brian jaeger craigslist

{wbamp-meta name="image" url="images/bigamp/mattelcompetitionfootball1.jpg" height="750" width="1300"}Maybe my ads don't sell any better than the one liners with no photos, but I like to make buying items from me on Craigslist something of an entertaining adventure. I know there's a Best of Craigslist where people generally create parodies of real ads. The difference is that my ads are real and need to inform others about actual items. Whether you're just looking for a tutorial on how to entertain while you advertise or you're looking for expired classified ads to peruse, this is the article for you. I believe the flair I add to the ads probably gets me a few extra sales here and there, but it just makes the process more fun, anyhow.

About half the Author postings were flagged for removal. I still don't exactly know why. However, it did force me to create my own paperback versions of my Kindle books so that I could offer an item available locally, so I guess it's ok.

If you are interested in a teaching lesson for English, social studies, world languages, or business classes using classified ads, try my TeachersPayTeachers lesson.


Rummage Sale 7/8-7/10 Run by Caring, Sensitive Man

9-2 Thursday and Friday
12-4 Saturday

N. 93rd St. in Milwaukee (right by the zoo)

Attention Ladies! My wife is not around and I've decided to get rid of everything I can. Let me digress... About a week ago, I was walking to the kitchen in the dark and I tripped over a fire truck, nearly crashing into the refrigerator. I realized three things at that moment: First, the potential irony of the fire department paramedics responding to the call; Second, we have too much stuff; Third, we're not having any more kids (don't worry, we'd talked about this one already).

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and kids, but there's a time when a man has to put his foot down and reclaim his basement, at least until the 'exercise room' becomes a Barbie town. Anyhow, we are offering to you an opportunity to get all kinds of stuff for your kids and yourself, and yes there are a few items for the guys, too.

Please feel free to take advantage of the situation. My wife would want to debate over prices and use a calculator. I want to sell everything.

Kids items, including clothing (boy and girl 0-3), toys, car seats (Graco system with two bases) and carrying devices, a pack and play, and a crib ( . No lie, you're going to look at all the clothing and wonder if we had a dozen kids in the house, and not just two. We've got entire boxes of infant toys that rattle a lot and make stupid noises babies like. As an added bonus, none of our toys have been thrown in the toilet or puked on, and our daughter only got a hold of a few with her markers, so you're assured the highest quality second-hand items available.

Electronics, including working printers, phones, heaters, radios, and a collection of 200 cds ( ). Do you realize my wife has all of Jessica Simpson's CDs? She made me watch Newlyweds with Jessica and Nick all the time when we got married, and yes, we have their shows on DVD for ya, too.

Household items, including tools, kitchen items, artwork, books, etc. We have two brand new cheese cutters. I think we got three for our wedding. Doesn't anybody look at the registry and if it's already bought? I'm still waiting for the ladder I registered for at Home Depot, but we've got two extra cheese cutters in case we start buying it by the truckload. We've also got a lot of kitchen items with a 'Mediterranean' look because our old house had some wacked-out orange countertops from the 70s, so if you want to have a little fun in the kitchen and feel like you're cooking in the south of France, take the whole lot of it! Oh yeah, I'm also unloading the entire Sweet Valley High series.

If you like mugs, we've got mugs. My wife never drank out of a regular cup when she was a child because all her family owns is mugs. I have no idea why, but they use a kitchen scissors to cut their pizza, so I don't ask anymore. Anyhow, I finally convinced her that two shelves-full of mugs in the kitchen goes even beyond what would be expected if a national guard unit showed up for breakfast, so she gave in.

I grabbed a few partylite and tupperware items, so if you want to pretend we're at one of those parties, that's fine with me. And it's amazing how many trays we still have even after putting some out for the sale. We could show up at parties for years and just leave our trays there if we want. We even have three boxes of wine glass charms. Not only have we never had that many people over drinking wine, but since we don't have an actual set of matching wine glasses, it's pretty easy to tell them apart.

We're looking to simplify now that the kids are growing up and we've started to realize we haven't used certain items in many years or we have multiple versions of the same items.

First ever rummage sale after living here for 15 years! Fine, I've lived here that long, but my wife only brought her stuff here a few years ago.

Things I'd like to sell but would get in big trouble if I did:

      *Huge collection of LM Montgomery books and DVDs

      *Every season of the Golden Girls

      *Barbies from the 60s, 80s, and today, including 'collector' Barbies of the World

     *Our 'good' (made in Japan) china

Things my wife would like me to sell but I refuse:

      *My Bertone X 1/9-- OK, maybe if I get a great offer

      *My collection of baseball cards


I'm a Batman Collection - $20 (by the zoo)


"Holy pleasant playthings, Batman!"

"Precisely, Robin!"

Will Batman be able to sell eight vehicles and one Batcave?!?

Two helicopters with mechanically spinning blades, two motorcycles, and four four-wheeled vehicles.

"What's important is that the world know that all visitors to these teeming shores are safe, be they peasant or king.It's the very essence of our democracy," claims Batman.

And so is getting a good deal on plastic toys. If your kids like fake fighting with action figures (there are two) or vehicles, this set will be a great addition to your utility belt. Each item would have cost more than the asking price new, and there are a total of 11 items, including a car with a gripper thingy (see photo) and a truck with a grappling hook and winch that would totally never work in real life, but this is fiction, and you can make up your own rules of physics.

If Daddy likes talking in a dramatic whisper voice, these toys make the whole thing a lot more fun. My kid isn't into it like I would have been as a lad. His loss. Get your Batman gear here before time runs out on our dynamic duo.

*Robin is not part of this set and was only used for effect.

I write even more about survival as a happy family over at


Biggest Littlest Petshop Set

This is an inherited Littlest Petshop set. Our kids used it maybe ten times. We don't have pets, so maybe the kids didn't understand the concept of fancy animals being sold to consumers, as well as the need to groom those animals before the sale.

Hey, the fact that my kids would rather hold onto their play kitchen and make pretend food rather than take care of tiny pretend animals means that you can get this set for about the same price as one of the little buildings or 10-pack of critters.

It's like going to one of those Amish farms with puppies everywhere rather than a local breeder who names his dogs things like "Champion" or "Land Rover."

My kids also don't understand my sense of humor, so that's two strikes. Make sure you read for more about being a happy family without being rich enough to have a well-bred dog for a pet. And let me know if you want the toys.

Cars and Transport Truck - $20 (by the zoo)

I don't really care, since those are her cars and my son's cars, not mine. Yes, my cars are in horrible shape compared to these never-played-with items, but you'd never see me sell mine. And that's because of all the memories playing outside at my house on Townsend Street, crashing the cars into each other.

My son, on the other hand, had one Hot Wheels party two years ago, and I got more excited about the 50 ft racetrack I built than he did. That means a lot of these cars are in great shape. I had to keep his Enzo Ferrari for my collection, but that's pretty much it. He says he'd rather have some cash, less my sales commission.

On the other hand, you have the opportunity to instantly create the memories for someone else. Like when I was six and Aunt Eva's boyfriend bought me the red El Camino Matchbox car. She got rid of Randy, but I still have the car. Create some real memories for your kids by buying these cars with awesome carrying case. I would have loved smashing that truck full of cars into things.

To read more about our family and what it's like to survive without some of my items my wife threw out on me, visit To buy the item, respond to this ad.

Books by Local Wisconsin Author - $5

I am a local author with many books available to purchase. You can contact me to find out more, or you can find me on Play or Kindle (Brian Jaeger).

While I am not a native of Sheboygan, I do have family and friends in the area, and I think it's a rockin town full of people who can appreciate satire, and I've got several hundred satirical articles in one of my books. I also write poetry, short stories, screenplays, and plays.

If you are interested in being more in the know than your other bratwurst-loving friends at the local tavern, try reading one of my books today.

Local Author Captures Football and Other Sports - $1

I was searching online recently for a good poem about football. It didn't have to be about the Green Bay Packers, but I wanted something that captured the moments I had as a player. Do you know what I found? One poem written by a teenage girl about her impression of what it's like to play football. The sad part is that when I tried to present one of my football poems to a group of writers, they weren't sure it was the right subject matter. But it is, and not in some quaint Night Before Christmas head coach as Santa kind of way that's just making fun of poetry.

Not only have I written poems about football and baseball, I have written many short pieces of philosophy about the human experience, and how being from Wisconsin affects me. I have written hundreds of satire articles, as well, and some are local, while others are national or beyond, all of them calling some attention to our human flaws. And funny.

I have written short stories, screenplays, and even a musical play. Just as there's more to sports than just the Pack, there's also more to writing than kid vampires or wizards and movie super heroes. Check out my writing and show that you see more than just what's on the surface.

Amazon author page:

Personal author page:

Auteur Americain - €1

Je suis americain. Je n'ecris pas encore tres bien en francais, mais en anglais, ce n'est pas mal.

If you want to read what it's like to be an American from an American perspective, then my writing is for you. The fact that there aren't more posts here means Craigslist hasn't caught on, whereas it's like a total institution in my hometown of Milwaukee. What's the difference? Does it matter? Those are the types of questions I don't really address in my writing. However, you might be able to figure it out for yourself if you read my books.

Here is a link to my Amazon page:

Here is a link to my personal author page:

Former UWEC Student Now an Author

When I was a student at UWEC, I was impressed by the resilience of the residents as they thrived during long winter months. I assume many of them have loved ones or good books to cuddle with in order to help those long winter nights progress speedily.

If you've read your fill of classics or Oprah Book Club offerings (I don't know, are those one in the same?), then you will appreciate an opportunity to read stories written by an alumni of UWEC who is starting to gain traction among an inundated international audience. While some of my writing was created in Eau Claire, most of my writing focuses on my time in Milwaukee.

Please take a journey with me as I explore being human and writing about it. It's better than boredom, anyhow.

Amazon Author page:

Personal author page:

Up and Coming Wisconsin Author Needs Bandwagon

I am a former English teacher attempting to become Wisconsin's next internationally-acclaimed author. I am sure there's probably a huge list of folks from Wisconsin who have done this. If not, maybe it's because nobody else has captured our state in writing without seeming too backwoodsy.

Here's your chance to jump on the bandwagon nice and early so that you can tell all your friends and enemies that you knew all about Brian Jaeger as a writer well before anyone else. In fact, you'll own a 2015 edition, and I just got these published in 2014. High-fives all around. Actually, that's a perfect way to look at my writing: I want everyone who reads it to want to give me and each other high-fives afterwards, like we just did something awesome together.

We did. I gave you little teaspoons of philosophy. You laughed a bit. You now have one quote in your head you'll never forget. I appreciated the attention. And then we're done, at least until you read another satire article, poem, or story. Maybe you'll try one of my screenplays next. Just us, hanging out and reading together, trying to identify something important in the human experience without being heavy-handed or boring. You enjoy reading again. You enjoy reading stuff you didn't think you'd like. That's what I can do. You can learn and be better. But that's up to you, after the high-fives and smiles. Will it last? Read to find out.

Amazon author page:

Personal author page:

Totally Highbrow Wisconsin Writer

While you might appreciate the writing produced and read by college professors, you might also want a break from pedagogy and analysis once in a while. You might want to read something without trying to determine what is problematic or how the writing can be used to argue your own stance on a particular issue. If any of this sounds like you, then it's time to read some of my writing. I'm totally highbrow, even if it doesn't seem that way.

If you're liberal, then you'll like my satire, except for the ones that make fun of you. But then again, you might even be able to laugh at those a bit. If you're conservative, you probably won't be able to laugh at my satire as much, and you certainly won't laugh at yourself, but you at least might be able to laugh at that former president you thought was good a decade ago.

My poetry appeals to most of you, even if you think you don't like poetry. I like to say that my writing is small doses of philosophy, but my poetry is the shortest way to illicit an emotion. Even if you think you're a total jock guy, you can have emotions, like when you listen to your favorite Mariah Carey song.

I have written short stories, screenplays, and even a musical play. If you've ever picked up a book or a device with a book on it and liked it, then there's a good chance you might enjoy something I've written. If not, you can sit around the coffee shop and make fun of my writing with all your friends in tweed sports jackets. Just make sure they buy their own copies so they can fully enjoy your disdain.

Check out my Amazon author page:

Or my personal author page:

Contact me if you need help with an awesome webpage of your own or getting on Kindle with your own books. I'd love to see your writing, as well, just not if it's about how pills can enlarge my life.

Wisconsin Author

Are you looking to read some stories that are by a Wisconsin author but don't smell too much like either fish or cheese? While there are plenty of local writers and artists who like to focus on our tourist-viewed attributes, the truth is that Wisconsin is much more than Packers games, dairy food, and vacationing in the Northwoods.

I don't blame other authors for their exploitation of Wisconsin stereotypes in order to sell books, but I also do not do that as an author, except for a bit in my satire. That's right, good satire. And poetry. Yes, poetry that is written by a guy that other guys can feel free to enjoy, even if many of my fans are ladies. Short stories, movie scripts, a musical play, and more.

To see more of my work and purchase a part of Wisconsin history, see my author page:

To subscribe to all of my writing and see some more:

Hot New Midwest Author - $1

I grew up reading the poetry of Carl Sandburg and the satire of Mark Twain. I never met those men, but I understand what they were saying and where they were coming from. If you want to read writing from a Midwestern perspective that is neither pretentious nor low-brow, my collection of poems, satire articles, and stories of all kinds is what you need.

I grew up in Milwaukee, but I am not defined by that exactly. It does, and should, play a role in my writing, like the fact that I attended Milwaukee Public Schools at a time when it was not seen as a great place to be a student; like the fact that I was a public school teacher laid off because of Act 10 legislation; like the fact that I drove a car on vegetable oil for several years.

It's all in my writing. I've always been a decent athlete, so I write about sports. I've always loved pretty women, so I write about love. I've always wondered what's next, so I write about philosophy. My voice is that which I'm using right now. You can understand it, as can your college professor uncle and your steelworker cousin. It's about all of us and relates to all of us while being something all of us can read.

Get my books, and encourage your friends to do the same. If you like them, talk about them. If you hate them, you'll still have something to discuss. You can rip my work to shreds, and then you can tell some more of your friends to buy them so they can do the same thing. You can even post articles online discussing how badly I write.

You can buy a few books or become a member of my website for constant access.


Radio Flyer My First Big Flyer - big wheel - $15

I think my big wheel, back in the day, had flames on the side. I loved that thing, as was apparent by the fact that it was totally destroyed by the time it was retired, all the stickers peeling and faded, two huge holes in the "tread" of the plastic tires.

Today's kids are more into video games and princess parties than destroying their outdoor toys. This means you can have almost new items for a fraction of the price of buying new. Let the guy up the block impress his kids with a $40 trip to the local store. Encourage your kids to get out of the house and destroy this thing.

Cuisena Deluxe Picnic Backpack - $20 (Milwaukee)

Like the one shown on this page for $110.

Used once. Then we had kids and now we pack everything in diaper bags and ziplocks. Email if interested. It's got wine glasses, a cheese cutting board, and place settings for two. Great for that ride in the country or to the beach. Insulated to keep stuff cool, so you could throw a few beers in if you're not into the wine thing.

Guys, this is a nice romantic gift that looks brand new, so if you forgot your anniversary, this should help.

Baby Swing Set Swing - $5 (Milwaukee - by zoo)

We have a baby swing for our swing set that the kids have outgrown. It will attach to any swing set. You could be creative and attach it to a tree or doorway, too. Or have your husband hold it up in the air. It has a buckle for safety. The swing is blue and has been stored winters.

email me. if it's still posted, it's still available.

Jane Fonda My Life So Far Autographed book - $25 (by the zoo)

If you know a Jane Fonda fan or someone named Lisa, you're in luck today. My wife finally finished reading her copy of My Life So Far by Jane Fonda. She seemed to enjoy the book because she kept telling me about events in Jane's life. The autograph reads, "Lisa Forget perfection Jane Fonda." Therefore, if you know another Lisa who struggles with perfection, this would be a personalized book. In fact, pretty much every other Jane Fonda autograph is just a heart and a signature, so my wife must have stood there and chewed her ear off a bit before the book was signed.

Since I'm not planning on reading the book, you'd be getting a signed book for below original list price that has only been read one time. My wife even yelled at me one time when I was going to rest a beverage on the cover, so it's in great shape.

Graco Stroller - Jungle Safari - $10 (Milwaukee - by zoo)

Go on a jungle safari every time you leave the house with your kid. This stroller is part of the Graco Travel System, but it also works as a bigger kid stroller. Reclining seat means that your kid can nap while you explore. Stored in the garage with non-smoking parents pushing it on our adventures. Folds easily and fits into our car trunks. Two cup holders so you can grab a cocktail and mingle with the locals. Probably the best part about this stroller is that you have enough storage under the seat for those extended journeys. Grab your safari hat and come get this stroller before it's gone.

If it's listed, it's still available. Email to set up meeting.

Little Tikes Basketball Hoop - $10 (Milwaukee - near zoo)

If you want your little one to become a basketball star, here's an early training device. Set it really low so he/she can dunk all the time, or set it really high so he/she can fail constantly. My kids prefer dancing and will probably max out at 5'5", so it's time to send the hoop packing like Brandon Jennings. Our hoop has been inside in a non-smoking house.

TY Beanie Baby Wise - $5 (Milwaukee by zoo)

We have a TY Beanie Baby for sale. If you graduated in 1998 or just like Beanie Babies, this is a great item for you. You will especially appreciate this item if you graduated in 1998 and haven't accomplished much since then or if you dated someone from the class of 1998 who got away.

The Beanie Baby is in a plastic case to keep it looking new. Unfortunately, those of us who graduated around 1998 do not have air-tight chambers to sleep in to keep us from aging, so technically we treated this collectible item better than ourselves.

Colors best match Riverside or Germantown from this area, but your class colors don't really matter to anyone for more than a few months after graduation, anyhow.

Email me
If the item is still listed, it's still available. If you email asking only if it's still available, you identify yourself as a spammer on CL.

Powered ATV Riding Toy with Trailer - $25 (Milwaukee - by zoo)

This powered ATV riding toy has forward and reverse and these other features:
Drives on hard surfaces
Maximum speed of 2 mph
6V battery and battery charger
Maximum Weight Capacity: up to 45 lbs
Foot pedal makes it go
Sound effects

We've had kids on riding toy and in trailer at the same time. Backing it up while trailer is attached is great practice for future recreational activity drivers. This is not a 4X4 that can drive around your property and scare bunny rabbits. It's for little ones and their first driving experiences. Our kids are small, but they used it in the 1-5 year-old range. Take the trailer off as they get older.

Email to see it. If it's still listed, it's still available.

Roadmaster Tricycle - $10 (Milwaukee - by zoo)

Nice-looking tricycle. Not used a whole lot by our kids because of age, growth during the wrong time of the year.

One pedal is missing its "thrust washer." Pedal and washer would run about $7. If I fix it, I will double price. Get it now and tell your man that he can fix it because it was such a good deal and he always complains about how much you spend on things and he's so good with tools and some other guy said it would be easy to fix so he should just do it and you'll give him a massage later.

Other than that, it's better quality than the plastic ones out there and it can actually BE fixed when a washer comes off, so pick it up. Keep in mind that you can use it without the washer. The pedal will come off once in a while.

Step 2 Climber and Slide - $25 (Milwaukee - by zoo)

Here's a Step 2 climber and slide. It's kind of like some of the Little Tykes items on CL. This item has a nice, tall slide compared to some of the little kid playsets, along with an enclosed platform for safety. Two ladders to get up to the slide. Arched doorway and circular windows give it a special 70s coolness. Best for outdoor use, but it could fit in a large rec room this winter. You could have sand, storage, or just a fort underneath. Our kids used it up to five years old and our youngest started with it before one, so it will get some use. Easy enough to drag around the yard to mow the lawn, but big enough that the kids don't get bored and their mean-spirited friends won't laugh at them for having a baby slide.

Take it apart easily for transporting, or I could deliver and set up for $5. (It probably won't fit in the trunk of your Yaris with the rest of the family in the car).

Umbrella Stroller - Winnie the Pooh - $5 (Milwaukee - by zoo)

Light green Winnie the Pooh umbrella stroller. Garage stored, from non-smoking house. Light and simple. Easy to push or carry when the kids want to walk. Put a doll in it and watch the kids push it around. Veteran of Disney World and two state fairs because Daddy doesn't like running into everyone with the big stroller. Comes with mesh stroller bag, good for sunscreen, bottled water, and sweat band (if you want) transport. If your husband always whines about taking the big stroller and your kid isn't ready to be attached to the child leash yet, this stroller is for you.

If it's still listed, it's still available. Email to set up meeting.

High Chair / Diaper Disposal Combo - $20

What do babies do the most? Actually, it's probably sleep, but when they're awake, they eat and poop.

This combo set is great for Grandma's house. It includes a high chair and tray that attach to any chair, a night light/warmer for wipes, and a Diaper Champ disposal unit.

We used the high chair for two kids and for visiting babies. Fits infant to about three.

Treat your baby to a spa-like experience every time you change a diaper with a warmer for the wipes. Sure, they still cry most of the time and smell bad, but maybe you can avoid traumatizing them in some way that has yet to be studied by science by providing a nice warm booty bath. Or, if you need a warm moist towel after a rough day, this is easier than finding a washcloth in the closet and running your hot water.

Our house never smelled like a nursery because we always used a separate garbage can outside for #2 diapers and the Diaper Champ inside for #1 diapers. Use it wherever you want, or have the right kind of disposal at Grandma's instead of throwing the offending diaper in the kitchen garbage for all to enjoy.

InStep Double Bicycle Trailer/Jogging Stroller - $50 (Milwaukee)

InStep trailer / stroller for two kids. Our kids are outgrowing it and I'm not good about getting the bike out.

It's been in the garage since it was purchased about 2.5 years ago. Attaches quickly and securely to a bike, and it's pretty light, so you could throw a couple kids and groceries in there, or haul some paving bricks over to your in-laws'. My wife, who does the jogging in the family, says it works pretty well for that, too. It's easier on my back than our other double stroller. When we took our kids to fireworks last year, the netting was great to protect them from mosquitoes.

Similar to amazon ad here:
(InStep Quick N EZ Double Bicycle Trailer), and the reviews sold me on the similar model I have.

We used it maybe 20 times, and that's just because we had another double stroller that was always right in the entryway, and not hanging up in the garage. We spent a long time going to local stores and only finding very expensive models that were not rated any higher on Amazon, but you can get this barely-used trailer and stroller for a lot less here and enjoy the late summer and fall with your kids, or groceries.

Rummage Sale Run by Tyrannical Wife

N. 93rd St.

SAT 8-2

I like stuff. It makes me happy and makes me feel like I'm surrounded by things I love. My wife is always hassling me about getting rid of items that I don't use anymore, so I told her that if we have a rummage sale this year, she's running it. And leaving most of my stuff alone.

She's going to be using a calculator because she hates math even though she went to Brookfield Academy, but the prices are cheap on all kinds of items she says we can't have anymore, like:

*Boy and girl infant and toddler clothing.
*A strap to the chair high-chair
*Maternity clothes
*Toys and other toddler stuff that I think they should save for their kids like I did for them
*Printers, even the copier/scanner kind. We get them free or buy them and they all work and then run out of ink because we don't actually print anything with them
*A racing sausage bobblehead that would match my basement decor if I was allowed to decorate
*A 55 gallon aquarium and a 20 gallon aquarium. The wife has outlawed all pets because I'm not the best at taking care of them, but these are nice fish tanks, and I've got a big bucket of fish food and filters and heaters.
*Sweet Valley High and Babysitter Club books so you can relive the glory days. I wanted to put up another book case so my daughter can read them, but my wife wants them gone because they remind her of her awkward middle school years.
*Friends memorabilia because my wife started watching Friends on DVD after we were married because she wasn't allowed to watch the show at home because of the base moral values of the show
*Housewares that used to match our old kitchen and that I think match the new one just fine
*The other stuff she'll find and try to get rid of, even though I told her she couldn't sell the Wet Banana from when I was a kid, and luckily she's afraid to climb the ladder in the garage attic
*My wife also wants me to sell at least one of my cars, so I'll throw them out there: 2009 Cobalt, 1995 Suburban 4x4 (that runs on vegetable oil), and a 1986 Bertone X 1/9 -- if interested, stop by and talk to ME about those.

If it does not sell today, we are donating it, so check these items out before they're gone, or at least a lot more expensive and located in a large, depressing resale store instead of our friendly garage. Some prices for kids clothing: tops, skirts, pants ,or shorts- $.50; onesies and shoes - $.25; socks, bibs,hats - $.10

Sweet Valley High Book Collection - $30 (Milwaukee)

Email If you want to relive your youth or pick up some good books for the kids. We have a collection of Sweet Valley High books perfect for you. 65-70 books. The Sweet Valley High series is perfect for the young adult (mostly female) reader, and provide enough drama to keep even middle school girls turning the pages. And they're pretty much going to teach decent values, as opposed to reading something as racy as Shakespeare, for example. Included are such riveting books as "Last Chance," "Showdown," and even "All Night Long" (apparently about an older guy with a mustache).

If you like those 80s high school movies, you'll get a kick out of these similarly popular books.

Probably similar to the one here:
for about 1/5 the price.

10 Wedding Pew Bow Thingies - $20 (Milwaukee)

OK, so my wife and I have survived seven years of marriage together. Now it's your turn, right? And it's expensive. And he's not helping enough. I know all about it.

Truthfully, I wasn't a big part of the planning process, but I did try to find a few bargains. So I'm here to help you out, not just with the pew bows pictured below, but also with a few other elements of the planning process. Anyhow, the pew bows are like ivory with little lavender flowers in the middle, and lavender netting stuff that hangs down and looks all fancy. They're simple, classy, and stylish -- just how you should keep your wedding.

And here's some more advice to help you with the wedding planning:
* This should go without saying, but buy dresses conducive to your bridesmaids ink. Find out where they've got tattoos and consider what kind of impression a large image of a dragon or a dog would make if seen by the wedding guests because the dress is too low in the back, or (heaven forbid) front.
* Do not have an open hard liquor bar, even if you're really rich or really like drinking a lot, unless you enjoy breaking up fights.
* Be sure that if the best man has an old sports injury that he can sustain the weight of the bride long enough for the groom to retrieve the garter.
* Don't show up late and drunk for the reception unless that's how the family members you'll never see again to remember you.
* Instead of waiting a full year to send your form-letter Thank Yous, do it right away and actually mention the gifts.
* While I love local bridal shops and standing around in them for hours debating about one candle that will be used once, my advice is to shop online. It's like half price, and since most wedding products are cheap-looking anyhow, you really don't have to hold the item to figure out if it's going to work.
* If your groom thinks it's a good idea to set up a care basket in the men's bathroom filled with prophylactics, remember that the bride's family will complain about it for years, and the one guy you've warned all the bridesmaids about will take all of them.

Other than that, enjoy your wedding... and buy our pew bows.

Little Einsteins Exersaucer - $25 (Milwaukee)

One kid loved it; the other liked it. Have them spin around and stay out of your hair for a while. Because it's Little Einsteins, they're supposed to be learning something, so really you can ignore them a long time before it's wrong.

Email if interested

Don't get trapped like Tupac - $1 (Milwaukee)

The laws say you need a car seat for your kids. I've got a cheap one here. Be a good parent and buy a one dollar car seat for your kid, maybe for the second car or something. It's an older car seat, but it works, and we've got other good stuff here for your kids, too, like clothes. Because clothes are important, too. Don't let the five-O bust up your good times because you don't have a car seat or any clothes for your kids.

Fanny Packs! - $1

OK, my wife's family loves fanny packs, and while I was getting ready for our rummage sale , I found two. She used to be a fanny pack princess, but she left most of them at her parents' house. Anyhow, the one fanny pack is a lasik one, so whatever, but the other is like a Coach of fanny packs, complete with water bottle attached.

We've also got lots of purses and gym bags. Some in radical 80s style.

Air Hockey, Table Tennis, Storage, Space Usage Table - $65

Back in the mid-1990s, my sister and I had to have this air hockey table. Neither of us liked hockey, but we did like air. Fun at a couple of high school parties. A couple of years after getting the table, I built a ping pong attachment so that we could play table tennis in a basement with 6 foot ceilings.

When my friends from high school stopped coming over, the table was used more for storage. It holds quite a few boxes. You could probably use it as a buffet table at a party, but our most common use was as a gift-wrapping table. We set up my son's train tracks on it once, too, but that didn't last because he wanted them on the ground.

Conversely, if you have a large, empty space and want something to fill the void, this is also an excellent space-filling table. And a conversation-starter and memory-maker. In fact, I can remember John from HS intensely taking on all challengers or Julia playing against me for hours without ever breaking a sweat. My kids don't care about those memories, and since my wife isn't named Julia, she doesn't care, either.

At 3' x 7', this takes up less space than a real ping pong or pool table. The ping pong addition is 4' x 8', but you can leave it off. There are some flaws in the corners because my friends hit the pucks as hard as possible. I tried to fix any issues, and it worked at our last party. The problem is that kids today would rather sit in a corner and play on a tablet than launch pieces of hard plastic at one another at 100mph. Sad. The fan works fine, creating a force-field of air that magically lifts the puck. However, it will not levitate other items or small children.

Let's be honest: these tables are all way overpriced for what you'll ever use them for, unless you're a mouse named Chuck E. Go ahead and buy one from one of the other sellers on CL in order to spend top-dollar for something that is mostly there as a location for loose boxes or laundry folding. Never, ever buy an air hockey table new. This is probably the most used air hockey table in the history of CL air hockey listings, and that might have been an average of one or two uses per year for the last 20 years. Don't kid yourself into thinking you need a fancy version of an air hockey table. You are not going to be competing in some kind of national air hockey championships. If you can use this to impress your friends or especially someone of the opposite sex once, it's worth the price. Yes, you can also use this table for beer pong. But the good news is that it never has been used for such Tom Foolery, so there are no mystery smells or stains.

This table is big and solid, relative to other cheap home air hockey tables. While you should not dance on the table, feel free to lean on it with a few shirt buttons undone without much chance of taking a header and looking silly in front of your friends.

Table comes with two paddles and two pucks. Plus a ping pong table with a net, paddles, and balls. Everything you need to be popular for five minutes except the Pontiac Trans Am.

170 Watt Amp - $25

Imagine it: 1996, and you've got a Plymouth Acclaim Turbo. What next? Sweet rims. Then a box with 12s for the trunk, powered by this Amplifier from Radio Shack. Even my friend who really believed he was a gangster thug said this amp was decent, probably because the sound was nearly as good as his much more powerful amp.

If you want to be carried back to a time when dudes would get jacked for their Los Angeles Raiders jackets and Reebok Pumps, then use this amplifier as a time machine to before headphones.

I even have a couple of pull-out stereos in case you're filming a movie about the 90s.

Aquarium - 15-20 gallon tank.

Put fish in water and watch them swim around. Put guinea pigs in and listen to them squeal. Scare your friends with a giant spider. Or put all of your Star Wars figurines in it and pretend they are on Naboo.

No leaks, which is probably all that really matters.

Pool Table - $200 (Lenexa)

We have recently moved into the area, and the new house included a pool table that we will not use, not because we dislike billiards but because we simply are not any good at playing. Yes, we know that practice will make us better, and if I don't sell the pool table, I might learn, and then I can challenge you at a bar sometime as I embarrass you in front of a special lady and all your bar buddies. I'd rather you just buy it, throw it in your basement, impress all your friends, and have the story end there.

This item has elicited many questions. With that in mind, I will try to answer all of the questions here so that I do not have to answer the same questions numerous times in emails. I also have a suspicion that many of the responses have been automated, so I'm probably going to ignore emails with lists of questions I've already answered. Please read the questions and answers before emailing me. Also, you could just show up and look at the darn thing.

1. What brand is it?
A. I cannot find a brand name anywhere. You can pretend it's a Brunswick or a Lotus. Buy a metal plate and stick it on.

2. Is it slate?
A. When I get underneath, it looks like a chalkboard. If that means it's slate, then I guess so. It also weighs several hundred pounds, which probably also proves it is slate. I stood on it and it did not move, and then I tried to move it and it did not move.

3. How heavy is it?
A. Since I cannot lift it over my head, I am going to assume it's pretty heavy. Relatively speaking, however, it's lighter than, say, my Fiat. And way heavier than an empty box. I have heard it takes four real men to disassemble and get one of these up the stairs. Don't plan on bringing your nephew who's in 5th grade and two of his buddies.

4. What size is it?
A. Measures 102L x 57w around the outside. Playing surface 90L x 44w. I do not know the metric equivalent or whether this is considered 7ft or 8ft. If you have had two beers, it's the same size as any other pool table.

5. Is it easy to move?
A. Being that it's heavy (see #3) and in a basement (see photo), no, it's not easy to move. That's why I'm only charging $200. You can get one at Nebraska Furniture Mart for $5000 and have it delivered. If you have a pickup, a dream to compete in the national billiards finals, and three friends, then this is your chance.

6. Is it available?
A. Why, yes it is. This ad will be taken down whenever it's no longer available.

7. Does the light come with it?
A. Strange you should ask. Sure, take the light. Do not electrocute yourself while unhooking it, but give it a home that appreciates its decadence. Or leave the light. It's not really in the way any more.

8. Does it come with any balls or cues?
A. For $200, it should come with nothing else, but since I have no use for the balls or sticks or wall holder for the sticks, you can also take those. More than a dozen sticks. And a bunch of chalk. You'll really look like a pro. Someone already bought a single stick for $10 because it was probably worth $50. I don't care.

9. Will this pool table save my failing marriage?
A. Technically, no one asked this, but it's a legitimate question for any CL post. If your husband wanted a $5000 pool table and you told him no because you can't see spending the money on it, then this could be your chance to alleviate some of the resentment that's been festering. Conversely, if your wife told you she'd rather you buy her a horse than some stupid pool table, pick this pool table up and rent a stable--you can probably fit the pool table in a horse trailer. SO, yes, this pool table can save your failing marriage.

10. Do you happen to offer any other services besides pool table sales?
A. Yes, I am a web designer (Passive Ninja / Luthernet / Brave New Church), and I write about all kinds of things on my Satisfamily blog. If you'd like to trade something that's worth more than $200 for the pool table, I could offer some writing/consulting/web design services. Right now, I really need three stumps removed from my property. Or a Ferrari.

Pool Cues, Balls, Wall Mounts, and more - $40

So you've got a pool table and some nice equipment for it, but what about when your cousin from Tuscon comes over to play? Are you really going to let him use that expensive stick? Or wreak havoc on the pristine balls? And really, if you have any sticks propped up in the corner, that just looks bad.

With this inexpensive collection of pool table accessories, you can not only decide who gets to use the good sticks and balls, but you can also get some up off the floor with the two wall mounts. Sure, they can use a little work, but they'll hold sticks even without fixing the plastic grabbers.

I am no pro at billiards, but some of the cues look fancy enough to be good ones, and maybe they are. I played baseball in a wood bat league, and these are wood and kind of bat-like. I can't tell brands or anything like that, so don't ask--the table has been in the house since the 1980s, and I think most of the equipment is from that golden era of pool cue manufacturing. But really, who cares if it's just so your kids' friends don't destroy your favorite Lucasi. Three of the sticks are shorter, presumably to be used by children, small women, and others you don't want messing with your stuff. There's also a bridge cue, which can cost like $10 on its own, and you can't find even cheap cues for less than $15 new. Now you'll have 15 of them for the price of one Dufferin so that you can save that cue from your wife and her friends when they have a book/wine(whine) club and decide to shoot some pool.

The balls look old and used, perfect for when your sister drops her rugrats over for the afternoon. Or when you destroy one of your good ones performing a trick shot you saw done by a six year-old online.

The set comes with a bag full of chalk. I don't even know what chalk is used for in pool, but there it is. The bag seems to have some sandpaper in it, too. No cash, however, since I checked.

When I took the pool table apart, I also got the green felt off real nice-like. It might fit your table or work for repairs, I don't know. But if no one buys this set, my kids are going as Peter Pan and Robin Hood for Halloween for years to come.

Get in contact with me before Lenexa's Dumpster Days because these items are heading out of the house one way or another.

Hello Kitty Kit - $5

Our daughter wanted nothing but Hello Kitty for about one year. That was the year she thought Disney Princesses, except the Frozen ones, were lame. Now, she dislikes even Elsa and the other one.

I honestly cannot say what she likes now. That doesn't matter. If your kid is totally into Hello Kitty and still too young to know when something is new or when it's gently used, then pick this set up now.

The car is kind of similar to one on Amazon for $20, but ours is much stupider-looking. I think the trunk opens for some reason.

The purse will run you $10 new (I have no idea why), and the plush toy is like a beanie baby. In fact, maybe it is. Who really cares?

Five bucks and a trip to Lenexa gets you this. Perfect for throwing in an Easter basket. Or maybe out in the yard with the Easter eggs. Hang the purse from a branch of a tree and see if little Charlotte Elizabeth finds it.


Cash Register and Cash Drawer - $5

Just in time for federal and state budget debates, you can teach your child the importance of money using a cash register and fake money. Your child can collect money, figure out what 10% sales tax is, and even take credit. Have your child build a wall of legos to separate Barbies from Star Wars figures with the money collected. Cash register is also a functioning calculator, so you can use it when a client shows up at your home office. The money looks so real that you could probably pass it off in Belgium as actual American cash.

Studies probably show that teaching kids the value of money is a good idea, so go ahead and use all the fake ca-zash to give little Richie a fake allowance that he can't actually lose. Give him $100 a week and then take $25 back as taxes. Or make him pay you protection money, if that's your scene. When your neighbor comes snooping around looking for the hedge clippers he lent you, send him away with a pile of this instead. Or just lie on the ground and have someone throw the money all over you like you're in a rap video. So much fun for only five real American dollars.

Barbies, Etc.

I think this is finally the last of it. We have sold so many Barbies, it's unreal. These are the last ones our daughter had any interest in herself, and they are not vintage Barbies from Mom or Grandma. Maybe one is; I'm not sure.

The two display-stand Barbies are beautifully clothed as maybe a Finnish or Swedish girl and a Russian winter girl. If you have a Barbie curio, these will look great in there.

The seated Barbies look like Elsa and Anna to me, but you can call them Blondie and Red if you want.

The riske, unclothed Barbies include your standard blonde, a redhead, and another blonde with intriguing leg tattoos. Perhaps these tattoos do something in the water or in the dark, but I'm not really sure.

Ken is wearing a dapper plaid outfit. You can pretend he's a young Donald Trump if you like.

The box includes some outfits and accessories, because where would Barbie be without these?


LG 2 cu ft Microwave - $60

Honestly, I don't think any of us really want to have a microwave above the stove. It's no good for kids or short people, and even super-tall people can burn themselves trying to reach food above a hot stove. Remember microwave carts? Those made sense until the small appliances got small enough to fit on the countertops.

This LG unit is just about the right size to fit under cupboards and in that weird counter space next to a stove or fridge. 24" wide x 14"high x 21" deep. You can also use it on an old-school cart if you want. It's bigger inside than the ones I've mounted over the stove. Plus, if your mother-in-law is 4'11", now she can cook you up some breakfast burritos when she stops by.

This microwave is only ONE year old. We bought it and then moved. It costs $150 plus tax new (Home Depot and Best Buy), but we'll let it go for a mere $60, or around a third of the price after tax, etc.

If you happen to also need website design or content writing, I'm new to the area and qualified to help you. PassiveNinja or BraveNewChurch.


GE 17.5 cu ft Refrigerator - $140

If you have a small space, a small family, or a small garage in need of refrigeration, this is a perfect alternative to shelling out $500 for a new fridge.

We inherited the appliance from the previous owners of the house we are in, but it kept food cold just fine for the past two weeks. It just looked stupid in an area meant for a giant fridge.

28" wide x 67.4" height x 32.5" deep

We had to have a small refrigerator at our last house, and some of them are really cheap (wire shelves). This one is like top-of-the-line when it comes to tiny kitchen fridges, in the same way your .6 carat engagement ring has nice color and clarity, or at least that's what your husband told you.

This fridge has the potential for an ice maker. I found a white plastic container behind it that might have something to do with that feature. I am also including an ice maker tube kit so you can DIY your way to a major household water leak if you want.

Based on GE's ridiculous way of putting manufacture date into the serial number, this model was from 2016 or 2004. I really can't be sure, since the second letter represents one of several years, including 1992, 1980, and 1950. I can tell you for sure it's not a 1950 unit. The house was built in 2004 if that helps solve the mystery, though it seems to be in much better shape than the rest of the house.

At 17.5 cubic feet, this would be perfect for the garage to store a few fish and several cases of beer. If you own a rental unit, this beats replacing a broken refrigerator with a new one. If you stay at the beaches and have a college fridge while you save up for a real one, it's time to grow up and buy this machine.

If it's listed, it's available, and, no, I won't bless you with a silly-low price because you've fallen on hard times.


Washer and Dryer - $200 (Jacksonville)

We moved our washing machine and dryer from Kansas in order to find that the previous owners of our house had decided to leave this mismatched pair behind. Tough decision whether to use theirs our ours, since these seem pretty nice.
- The washer is a Whirlpool Cabrio top loading he, which makes doing laundry sound like a tropical vacation.
- The dryer is a Whirlpool Duet Steam, which sounds a bit like a TV talent show featuring duets. If you have wrinkles in your clothing, this dryer could help. It cannot help with facial wrinkles, however.
- Both units work. We did laundry before our moving truck came. However, I pilfered the 4-prong plug from the dryer, so you'll need to have a 3-prong hook-up or buy the $20 cord.
-hosescome with washer AND dryer
- The sales guy at Lowe's on Atlantic loves Whirlpool appliances...just ask him.
- The washer and dryer seem to be from 2011 or 2012, which means the family that bought the machines was confident there would not be a 2012 global apocalypse based on Mayan calendar predictions.
- The dryer has a $899 price tag on the back, so you know it was a pricey model a few years back. Now you can be a big roller when it comes to laundry appliances without spending a wad of cash.
- It's a lesson in getting along with others. Different colors and styles, but they work together to wash your laundry. A duet.
- $120 each if separate. Why? Because I want them gone, so take both.
- Yes, you could be a CL re-seller and make a quick $100 or more on these. If that's what you do, fine with me. Just bring $200 and a pickup.
- If these are listed, I have them. I don't tend to respond to inquiries about whether I still have an item.


Cash Register and Cash Drawer - $5

Just in time for federal and state budget debates, you can teach your child the importance of money using a cash register and fake money. Your child can collect money, figure out what 10% sales tax is, and even take credit. Have your child build a wall of legos to separate Barbies from Star Wars figures with the money collected. Cash register is also a functioning calculator, so you can use it when a client shows up at your home office. The money looks so real that you could probably pass it off in Belgium as actual American cash.

Studies probably show that teaching kids the value of money is a good idea, so go ahead and use all the fake ca-zash to give little Richie a fake allowance that he can't actually lose. Give him $100 a week and then take $25 back as taxes. Or make him pay you protection money, if that's your scene. When your neighbor comes snooping around looking for the hedge clippers he lent you, send him away with a pile of this instead. Or just lie on the ground and have someone throw the money all over you like you're in a rap video. So much fun for only five real American dollars.