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Jacksonville News

New Jax Witty

Articles, reviews, advice, and legitimate research to go along with some back-handed comments. Think of us as Jacksonville's mother-in-law.

Only In Florida: Millionaire Stealing From Kmart
Where else would a guy who owns an $8 million private island and a Real World House decide to steal from Kmart? Nowhere else. Only in Florida. I thought that it was uniquely Florida when three guys walked right into a Walmart and stole the arcade claw machine, loading it into their pickup truck as if they were going to service it. But those guys were probably unemployed or at least poor, so it was just a badly-hatched plan. So was the plan to buy items at Kmart and then return different items in the boxes. But the Kmart plan was devised by a guy with enough capital to purchase an $8 million island, so it's even more odd.

With how easily the man was caught, I have to assume he was not a career store scammer. There's no way that someone who tries to steal $300 from Kmart (minus the value of the items that were returned in the boxes) has pulled it off enough to become a millionaire.

Maybe he figured he'd be safe once on his own island. He could use his new Keurig every morning as he watched the sunrise over the ocean. I assume his new island didn't have a basketball court, since that's the item he stuffed into the coffee maker box when it was returned.

Normally, people who become millionaires don't steal small stuff, unless it's lots of small stuff, like fraudulent billing of patients of your healthcare company. I wonder if this man can plead the 5th and get out of any responsibility for stealing from Kmart. Perhaps that's all it takes to get away with stealing when you're rich; I wouldn't know.

Anyhow, no man is an island entire of himself. He needs stuff, even if he is technically living on a private island. I suppose the monthly mortgage on an $8 million island might get a little steep. At 20% down on a 30-year loan, the island would run $30,260 a month. That's probably about what an average Kmart sells in a month. I'm kidding, I think. This guy was probably just strapped for cash after having spent over $1.5 million on a down payment, so he needed some necessities, like a Keurig coffee machine.
Followed Home in Jacksonville

A neighbor was recently followed home by a white SUV, and the comments on Nextdoor were all over the place. I think there are several angles to consider here, even though most of the people commenting were fairly single-minded in how they saw the situation.

Call the Police
Most reactions were that of calling the police. This was 1:30 in the morning, and a man was being followed all the way to his home, and when the man turned away, he was also followed right up to the point he entered a 24-hour gas station. One comment was to call the police while being followed. That's good advice, so long as you weren't drinking at your friend's house until 1:30, which I have to assume was the case. When the police show up to help you out, the white SUV will be long gone, and you'll be asked to exit the vehicle for a little test.

Back in Milwaukee, my car got broken into while I was at a friend's house. We yelled at the kids as they tried to hotwire the car, and then called the police as they ran away. We'd been drinking a little bit, so it was surprising that the cops got the car fully hotwired for me and sent me on my way, broken back window and all. That was 20 years ago and in Milwaukee (Beer Capital of America). I don't expect any breaks like this in Jacksonville, so my advice would be to do exactly what this guy did if you've had a couple of drinks.

Ask The Police
Another theory is that the car was an undercover police car "running tags." These folks suggested the man call the police and ask. The problem is that since following someone around and running the tags is probably illegal, even if that was happening, I doubt it would be confirmed. Therefore, asking the police would not get a definitive answer.

I've personally seen this happen, back in suburban Milwaukee. Cruisers would be at a stop light behind a car and on a laptop. Even though it was considered to be against the rules, it probably happened all the time when those computers were first installed. I think this behavior has been cracked down on to some extent, but an officer might still follow a car with a broken tail light just to see if the driver seems to be swaying around in his lanes, especially at 1:30am.

Be Relieved
One neighbor, to the consternation of most other neighbors, said that there was no proof the occupants of the car were up to no good. It's certainly true that no obvious crime occurred, even if most of us would consider following someone at 1:30am to be unacceptable, criminal-like behavior. If nothing else, the intent was to frighten the man. Whether it was a criminal, a cop, or a concerned citizen, when you follow someone all the way home at that hour, you want to frighten the person (or sneak up behind him). Georgia has a stalking law that might be applicable here, but I did not see one for Florida, where stalking is more about "a person who willfully, maliciously, and repeatedly follows, harasses, or cyberstalks" someone else. That means that criminals can legally stalk a dozen potential victims each day and never be breaking any law.

Man or Woman, Do This
If this kind of thing happens to you, it might seem to make sense to get home. The problem here is that you are leading someone to your house, even if they bail. They might now assume you work a late shift. Maybe they were following you to seek revenge for cutting them off, and they'll tag your garage door later on. And maybe, they'll be faster to the weapon than you.

Therefore, it's recommended that you lead them back out of your neighborhood, just like the man in the story did. Take them to a public place and call the cops. If you're a little intoxicated, maybe wake up a dozen friends and round up the posse. I'd try to get to a public place where I know there are obvious cameras mounted. Even when you get somewhere more public, it's probably not a good idea to reach for your gun or tire iron right away. At least fake dial and talk on your phone before you get out of the car. You could probably hit the old panic button on the car, too, since noise tends to ward off criminals. At least I'd do some of that stuff before I decide to escalate the situation.
Losing Your Mom is Rough, But...

I think we all understand that we're going to die someday. We also should understand that our loved ones will also die. There are several people in our lives that we don't want to see go, and I am sure the death of a child is the worst to have to deal with. Parents and siblings, too. But again, it's going to happen. That's why I was little surprised at the sports reporting on a local news channel from Georgia.

Tom Crean lost his mom the day before he coached a game. That's unfortunate. I like Tom Crean because he used to coach one of the teams I kind of followed back in Milwaukee. Marquette, not Indiana. I felt sad for him because his mom died. He coached a game the next day, probably to try to move on, but, of course, the press asked him about it after Georgia's loss to Florida.

Honestly, I could not imagine doing an interview the day after a loved one died, so I can understand that Tom might say something kind of odd. He said that it was difficult to go through and he hoped than any of us who have not gone through it would not have to do so.

Think about that. Technically, if you don't go through your mom or dad dying, that means they'll be the ones going through you dying. Or it means they are somehow strangers to you, and that's really much worse than having to deal with their deaths. Mostly, it's just a good reminder that, even if you go to work the day after your mom dies, you should skip the interview with reporters.

In the end, it's just reminder of our own (and everyone else's) mortality. We will all mourn or be mourned at some point. We don't really want a world where no one has to go through that, as it would mean we don't care about anyone and no one cares about us. Anyhow, the next time a loved one of yours passes on, I hope you remember that it's actually good that you feel sad. It's that whole idea of not asking for whom the bell tolls because it tolls for all of us.
I Think I'll Run For President
With Florida Mayor Wayne Messam of Miramar announcing his intent to run for president, I believe we've come to a point when I can probably get into the race. My kids (who are not of voting age) always tell me that they'd vote for me if I ran. Messam just won the office of mayor of a town of 140,000 by getting about 6,000 votes, defeating an opponent who got less than 1,000. Percentage-wise, that's a big victory, but it's not really any more impressive than when you count the number of hits my articles have received on various websites over the years: over 1,000,000. If most of those people enjoyed reading my writing, I figure I have just as good a long shot as Messam to become president.

Since we're gambling legally on sports now, I suppose there are odds on Messam winning the presidency. Go ahead and throw a dollar in, because if he wins, you'll be a millionaire. It's probably a "look at me" publicity stunt. Even Bill Clinton, who was a long shot, was a governor of an entire state, winning 300,000 to 400,000 votes for a decade there. That's more votes than Democrats in Arkansas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Mississippi combined, so the buses must have also been running from Missouri and Tennessee.

Maybe Messam has a plan. Most of us would assume the plan would be to get good at governing your city, then become a congressman, then governor or senator, and then run. That's why most of our presidents are old geezers. I suppose his plan might be to be younger than the other candidates. Messam is 44, so he's no Ocasio-Cortez. But he's part of my generation, Generation X, and there's nothing wrong with that. Unless all you've accomplished is being a two-term mayor of a one-horse city and want to be president.

Anyhow, back to me. If I run for president, I think I'd go full animal on people at the debates. That's what the American people want. Calling women "little girls," calling the other men "little girls," and generally mocking all the other candidates. Basically, the formula that worked in the last election was to put down everything from both parties as something that did not work, say what you've got planned will be huge, and then avoid making any plans so that you don't have to lie about what you don't really have planned. But still lie, a lot, usually just to promote how great things are going.

I don't generally tell lies, but if I was going to run for president, kind of on a lark, I think I could put the persona on. Read something online about a challenger, retell the lie. Read something online about me, claim the media lies all the time. Make up lies about current and past administrations. Make up people who have told me lies that I can repeat without being the person telling the lie. All good stuff. And nicknames. Like I'd say Messam is the Mess-man because he's made a mess of Miramar. Or I'd call his the Yess-man because he just follows someone else's orders, like special interests. Everyone hates special interests. Who's next, Pocahantas? Aouuuuuuuuu!

So there's probably a form I have to fill out somewhere in order to run, so I better get on that.

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